fieldnotes #3: the illness

bad things happen to me because i am cursed. i used to think this evil was a phenomenon among people who were merely like me until i suddenly realized i was uniquely sat with my own delicious brand of poisonous ruin. and i like to partake, but i'm not a hedonist like my normie coworkers. i'm built with a fascination for that sola gratia, that decreation fancy. but being a wageslave cog in the capitalist machine means i can't go full liber null psychonauts and abandon all instances of personhood and rational thought (until i have the one psychotic break (you know, the one that winds me up in a shock-horror true crime youtube video)) so instead i compartmentalized the blackened part of me into her own person... only she ended up assuming a function of her own and she LOVES suffering. and her anti-radiance shines upon me and sometimes she supercedes the persona and i am HELPLESS. and also, no one will save me...

1. my dark triadic as fuck coworker

2. getting food poisoned

3. mouth infection

4. my period

5. absence of phoenix and malva

6. personality errors

7. no gf

THE STARS... ARE ALL OUT OF WACK ｡･:*˚:✧｡

i'm lucky i can exercise enough restraint to never take it far. i was once saintly but i stopped just as quickly as it started. i got close to paving paths to zen but never went further because i loathe the cleanup. my curse hits me in mountain-high droves of negativity. absences. darkness. a black hole that sucks everything in. even the light of god cannot penetrate that place. i know this happens not just because of the curse, but my location. the ley lines make me ill. it's why i got sick last winter (namesake!) repeatedly. evil and rot are just, fucking... everywhere...

other namesake has to do with the complete opposite. fire. an appended detail to my friend's identity. that wasn't on purpose. it merely drew me in. it makes sense, and i think anyone who knows me would tell you about it.